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« Journalists Killed in Iraq - The Core Issues | Main | Responding to Hugh and Others »

February 11, 2005

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arty kraft

Secret N.S.A. Memos Reveal
Critically Thinking Americans Still at it

Washington (Internet News Wire) - A Pentagon source revealed yesterday that several N.S.A. memos, which hadn't been shredded, apparently because the office shredder had broken due to the volume of documents it had been handling, were discovered in Jack Abramoff's former K Street office by Slavo Gvingstich, a recently immigrated illegal alien now working as a janitor in the building. The memos - all dated in 2005 - uncover a massive investigation into terrorist activities via widespread wiretapping programs conducted both domestically and overseas by the N.S.A.

After years of monitoring the electronic communications of millions of Americans, as well as thousands of foreigners, four genuine suspects were caught planning terrorist activities. Ibrihim Abdul Mulloka, an Algierian and card carrying member of the Muslim Brotherhood, representing the most formidable threat, had concocted elaborate plans to poison the soft chocolate ice cream at a Dairy Barn in Swiddleville, a small town in West Virginia, on August 2, 2004 along with Muhhamad Dahmid Ramalamid, a green tea farmer from Afghanistan. The plot, according to Stanley R. Billock, Deputy of Homeland Wiretap Operations, would have "ruined the lives of scores of innocent children."

The second threat, equally ominous, was posed by Abdullah Kalfaruk, a Cleveland youth, born Sandy G. Hollister, who converted to Islam in 2002. Mr. Kalfaruk, and two other converts, Ali Aksafar and Jilhadi Dahlilabod,
intended on the night of October 17, 2003 to lace the gas tanks of cars parked along Greenwide Avenue in Cleveland with Domino sugar, permanently disabling them in order to cripple the American workforce one worker at a time. Their plans targeted many other Cleveland thoroughfares as well as streets in other American cities.

The third threat, oddly enough, was a plot, created by Idressa Makabir, a failed suicide bomber/Miami homemaker, who intended to swindle millions from American Express through a cunning credit card fraud scheme that would've netted millions. The money would've been sent to Islamic extremists so they could purchase unlimited numbers of the book, Milestones, the ideological tract by Sayyid Qutb, that would then be indiscriminately distributed to American school children for the purposes of brainwashing innocent Americans.

The last threat, initiated by an odd shoemaker in Iraq - Ghafar Mahawon, consisted of a plot to make shoes accessible to plastique explosives that would be far less cumbersome than the standard suicide belt now worn by unfashionably radical bombers. A stockpile of the footwear, including brown and black models, along with beautifully crafted Italian-like spiked heels, was discovered sitting on a dock in Jersey City awaiting distribution.

Aside from those actual threats, a slew of other leads, prompted mainly by pranksters and cranks, are also accounted for in the N.S.A. memos.
The investigations, however, did lead to a number of startling and unexpected revelations that were not actual threats but indirect dangers to American security. Above all, it was revealed, there is a sizable percentage of the American public, perhaps as much as 23% of the general population, who are highly critical of the Iraqi war and even have the nerve to question the President's integrity regarding Homeland policies.

This group, termed the Mutinous Americans, doubt the rational for the war, are convinced that a nascent civil war is brewing in Iraq, believe that most politicians are being bought and paid for by big business, and last, but not least, think that the government and most of the people in it need a radical overall. These thinking beings represent "The gravest threat to American security out there, more than those Moslem fundamentalists," N.S.A. Bureau Chief, Mortimer C. Caruthers, insists in one of the memos.

These so-called thinking Americans are, for the most part, expressing themselves on blogs, as opposed to rallying grass roots events and marches so that their numbers don't appear threatening. But, Caruthers noted, "If this contingency - a veritable domestic insurgency - continues with their anarchistic efforts, a remedy will be necessitated. At this point, a number of options have been considered, including an embargo of their economic assets, the spread of a limited, genetically engineered pandemic aimed to attack only truly active brains, and intimidation techniques such as anonymous death threats.

Several techniques garnered from our research are also being considered, including poisoning their ice cream, spiking their gas tanks, selling them explosive footwear and making their children read Milestones in order to convince them of the deadly serious Moslem threat that does exist in this dangerous world."

The memos are now being examined by a Congressional panel and a public inquiry is scheduled for the fall. Meanwhile Mr. Gvingstich is being held at Sing-Sing. His bail was set at $1 billion.

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